Learning to say "NO"

TO SAY NO!!

I have been hearing from friends, cousins – people who know me really well that I don’t say “NO”  or I don’t know how to say “NO”.

Even though this has been  my new year resolution blah blah for a half a dozen times, for one or the other reason I fall back into the same old ME.  So wat is it that is wrong? Why do I simply smile and nod and say yes while the actual reaction has to be WAT!! NO WAY!! Definitely not!! Oh no I cant!

Do a lot of people have this kind of a problem or am I just the stupid one!? Dunno the answer for it… but am definitely one among that population …. So I headed to think the – why when where….did this start…I think it started with the introspection of assessing my short temper and looking for perfection in people, Things, situations… and then slowly I kept telling myself perhaps I shud tone down not good and things and there! I reached a place where I kept smiling pretty and nodding my head and initially I thought it avoided a lot of issues, fights, irritations but then I came so far that I had to do another introspection to bring myself out of that mode.

Now – identifying a problem I did it on my own…. And then I slept on it L L I know, sounds sick!  but then that’s true…. Like the famous one liner – I love work ; I can sit and stare at it for hours…  Exactly the same applies only that I do Identify a problem and then simply keep worrying abt it rather than fixing it!! Typical ME!!  But then a friend said please stand up and voice out your issues and get it over with rather than just taking things that you don’t wana be a part of ! Closer circle said the same…. And people who don’t know me well said the same – And then and there I realized that was the last bell; and I had to fix it or get stuck like that forever.

Now  before worrying about anything else I begin to think I panic about things wen it comes from strangers / people who are more like acquaintances, don’t really know me well.  The reason why I panic is not only becoz  that some one figured it out but also for the fact that I am becoming understandable, readable, predictable … whatever…. to people who are not in the close circle and makes me feel like the masquerade I wear was removed and my face was seen by the generic audience! That’s the feeling I have ! Dunno why though… I would like to openly talk to, joke about, share a secret with the close bunch and raise the guards around me otherwise…. Guess lot of ppl do that or am one among those silly ones….whichever….

I wonder do couples… very close frends…. Siblings…companions of all types… have that kind of a problem… that they spend so much time together / get to know each other so well that after some time the whole relationships become totally predictable….but then wat s wrong with predictability?

Guess predictable is like monotonous jobs! Gets boring eventually and if you don’t fix it soon you will end up not knowing why ur there !  And that’s  disastrous!

I dunno wat ppl do wen they enter this phase… but then I shud think abt wat I do first J LOL so, coming to the basic thought abt saying “NO” – I guess am doing it lil by lil like earlier I would simply nod if a frend asked me to accompany her somewhere or the blah blah blah now a days I do take a minute to think ; to say the yes, no. or atleast ensure to figure out if I have some thing important to do … the reason y I do that is becoz I have been dumb enough to say yes to too many things tat would hav to be at the same time with different people like saying yes to go to a movie and then saying yes to stay home too! While its not the mistake of either of the parties involved the culprit is good old “ME” ROFL

There !! I said it! Not that bad! Atleast now am slowly working on it… hope to be better at it J

Ok! But what about the predictability / monotony part??? HMMMM I would wana think some more…. J

LIFE IN A METRO……….

No no not the movie I was jus thinking how mechanical, monotonous and boring life gets…… ofcourse I do get to watch movies like Avtar and a short trip with family to visit gramps place and all…. Sure helps but not to the extent I want it to help.

Yeah I know this sure sounds like whining…. Dunno wats with me…and this small voice inside my head abt the monotony of life… guess am jus  damn bored or getting old …..So I thought something must be done abt it… I cant be so bored…

I worked like a well oiled machine… wake up work come back work sleep…… tick tock tick tock… grrrr I atleast want some difference at work …. Come on……… ok so I decide ….. and I QUIT!!

I got feedbacks like I was such a stupid fool….. and blah blah to do a stupid thing like that why on earth would u spend 4 yrs at a work place and then suddenly jus quit… u shud be crazy and all that…. Sure I am being a lil crazy every now and then is good for ourselves. J I think so J atleast

And then the news of my RESIGNATION spreads the whispers start I know they are talking abt it… find it funny… and laugh to myself…. Friends pull my leg for doing it … say they feel bad that I wont be around for the Friday lunch and tea time…. Discussions……. Well well well……… but then life goes on…

The send off lunch done, the gifts accepted, the good bye said…. Cleaning my desk off  - done, well now time to make the move.

I dint weep, I dint feel sad and I dint feel happy either not relieved… so wat do we call that state of mind… I dunno surely for I could not name it so I call it the nothingness. J not feeling anything at all… So I went home (Without a laptop) oh! Difficult to walk with out one hooked J onto my back and stuffed things and jus slept and woke up on the next day….. um…. Wat time…… not sure…… jus dint think of time… y think of time? No meeting, no report to send, no team to ask me doubts, Ahem – I was job less by the way.So a quick break fast and then I sat in the balcony with a book in my hand (not a letter did I read) and stared into nothing……. Guess it happens after one works and works and suddenly is job less…. J my first two days passed in utter laziness and feeling the nothingness and ofcourse talking to frends   abt my nothingness…..

Who said anything about my mind being free I had already started my thinking abt that offer I jus got and whether to accept or to think or oh god!! Why the hell cant I make up my mind… that often happens with me becoz am not organized (dad says so) I don’t decide abt wat I want I make the decision and then I think as to wat I want out of it …. Well now not everyone can be so perfect… aint it?? Now I am a strong believer of – world is still a better place becoz of some lunatics still are around (like me ??) So I dunno wat to do may be may be not…. And along comes another and another…. So ya… right am not showing off… jus trying to think y I do it all the time… I kept attending interviews… not thinking wat I wana do there… not a great thing to do I know… well that’s me J

Dad almost lost his patience with me and my shud I shud I nots that he almost stopped talking to me… he ran away at every chance of having to crack a conversation with me….. L why is it like that.. why am I like that…. Dunno….. I do it always with the smallest of the things to the Biggest of them… now that’s who and how I am its ok happens…..

So the decision made …….. and communicated well for now I could enjoy the jobless life.. isn’t it …. I ate slept watched all the movies that were playing on HBO, Star movies, World cinema… read books like as if I was supposed to write an exam on them soon…… and ate, slept and of all the other things…. Took those long walks in the evening… sometimes with my ipod sometimes with out… its fun to observe people specially strangers../.. the passersby some fighting in the traffic with fellow vehicles…. Arguing with the vendors….. old ppl strolling, talking…… its weird to observe but it kind of takes me away from my own thinkings ……….. suddenly I tell myself to live life and not worry so much abt the if’s and the but’s its…ok …. IF something is gona get screwed up it anyways will with or without the help of my wrongs and rights…. So that’s fine…

These couple weeks I did all that the BC tag line says… Shop eat celebrate…… J ROFL well celebrate freedom of feeling nothingness I guess… it was fun……Whew … cool… had a nice time…… and joining on Monday………back to work …….schedules….reports…..meetings………

I RETURN TO THE MONOTONY….. Wasn’t it the same thing that I wanted to run away from and hence quit???